28th Entry: Nightmares

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((Possible PTSD Trigger Warning))

Last night I woke from a distressing dream. I feel like I woke from two, actually, one inside the other. Or I think I did. I cannot remember the details of the first, only that whatever happened in it had already instilled quite a bit of fear in me as I woke into the second. As I awoke from it, I believed with absolute honesty that I was fully conscious, and I saw with shock that ash was falling from the sky heavier than it had at the University. I tried to yell an alarm, but he shout was muffled and weak, and the ash covered me in a thick blanket. I remember panic filling me at a horrible rate as I tried to shout again, but it was only slightly more audible than the first. My mouth would not obey me; the ash was all the way up to my nose and seemed to be somehow cementing my mouth shut. I was filled with terror and dismay as I looked from face to face around me, and I realized I was too late to shout an alarm anyway. All around me were the frozen, screaming corpses of everyone in the refugee group, including Bryyna. They looked like the gruesome bodies we saw at the village along the river; grasping at their throats, eyes bulging with panic, reaching for me to wake me up, but stopping just short. It was like something had turned them all to stone, much more like terrible statues than corpses. I tried to move my arms so that I could escape, but it was no use.
 
Then I heard weeping, and I somehow turned to look. It was Somin next to me buried in the ash. He muttered that he didn't want to die, and begged me to hold him because he was scared. He pleaded with me, and murmured through his sobs that he could not move. I knew he had already died once, but... I must have been mistaken all this time... somehow. What did it matter? Even if he had been dead, he was here now, and I could not lose him a second... or third time, if you can count the experience at the cliff. I wanted to comfort him, but still, my words remained muffled and weak. Frustrated and desperate, I was overwhelmed with a powerful urge to try to move again. I gave it everything I had, my lead limbs twitching with effort. In my mind I was pounding on invisible walls, screaming, flailing my arms, cursing, whatever violent and desperate actions came to mind. I terrified myself with my own wild acts, some small part of me begged me to calm down, lest my moment of insanity cause another outburst of Amira, but my anguish was so overpowering that no amount of begging could stop it. I was like a wild animal; out of control entirely, the energy around me thrumming like a giant heartbeat. 
 
As I was just about to break through the invisible walls of my mind, everything went abruptly dark and quiet. It was not a peaceful quiet. I knew this darkness. I had seen it in dreams in the past... a terrible reminder of the moment I let Somin fall to his death. As soon as I recognized it, I felt the hair on my body prickle from the ebbing energy as I softly pleaded with myself. Don't make me go through this again... please do not do this to me again. But as the earth shook beneath me, I felt a familiar presence leave my hand.

And then his faint scream.

​The thrumming energy that had temporarily pulled back suddenly rushed in like a tsunami, enveloping me in a roaring wave of anguish and desperate power, shattering the wall in my mind as I shouted and jolted up. Somin, the ash, and the statues were all gone. I was shaking violently, gripping my arms so hard my nails dug into my skin, screaming "NO! NO! NO!"
 
Plenty of concerned voices rose from the sleeping forms around me, and Bryyna was there to immediately take my hand. At first I screamed and snatched it away, but she spoke softly to me, telling me to let it out slowly, that my Amira was still controllable and nothing would happen if I just listened to her. So I wept and I wept. It was like waves of emotion hit me one at a time; fear, relief... and loss. I was still completely disoriented from the realism of the dream. I desperately wanted to believe my son was still right there, that he was within my reach. When I found he was not... that is when I wept that hardest. It was this big, open, gaping hole inside that was trying to swallow everything up into it. This terrible, terrible void more painful to acknowledge than the ash covering me. It was more awful than the bodies, the earthquake, the volcano--  I have lost myself in that void... The whole world could swallow me up today and it wouldn't shake me as much as this void does. I know it. As much as I want to deny it, I cannot feel anything anymore like I used to... I feel like... like I died that day along with him; falling from impossible heights with 10 agonizing seconds to the ground. If you could read my words, my boy... would you cry for me? Do I sound selfish? I'm sure I do... Has my existence become so damned pitiful that I have disappointed you? I'm sorry... If this is true, I am so sorry. Even if this cataclysm ended... and all of this went back to normal... it will never truly go back to normal. We all know that. We've all been marked. I will live every waking moment of my life in fear of sleep. I will exist in fear of the people around me, in constant anger... in perpetual torment... seeing your smile everywhere I go. Hearing your voice, seeing your ghost in the corner of my eye or right in front of me… I should have gone with you. This bleeding wound inside is never going to heal, is it? 

Forgive me, I have fallen into rambling... We have to march again now... I don't want to be near anyone at all right now. I don't know how I did not hurt anyone, but I am afraid they'll all be afraid of me... Oh Collective, please keep my little boy. I cannot handle this torment any longer.
   
~V